Imagine being a 57-year-old man and hating a kid who’s just turned 18.
Imagine constantly berating him in public, hammering home the fact that this kid is just “not ready” to be the guy you want him to be for your team. There is huge comic value to this whole Jose Mourinho vs. Troy Parrott thing, a sort of Joe Pesci vs. Macauley Culkin in Home Alone tone. Except these guys aren’t adversaries working against one another in the name of slapstick. Believe it or not, they are actually working toward the same goal, fighting for the same team.
The only possible reference point here is the rivalry that existed between Michael Scott and Toby Flenderson in the US Office. Sure, all their energies were focused on taking Dunder Mifflin to the next level of paper-selling greatness, but it didn’t stop Michael from hating Toby’s guts.
Their interactions lose nothing when you sub Troy in for Toby and Jose in for Michael. So, here is the better version of what the US Office would have been, had they made this substitution.
(Note: Daniel Levy plays the role of Dunder Mifflin CFO, David Wallace).
SEASON 2, EPISODE 19: JOSE’S BIRTHDAY
It is Jose’s birthday. Troy has just walked into the canteen, where Jose is standing beside a box of donuts.
Jose: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Troy: Happy birthday!
Jose: You didn't know it was my birthday?
Troy: I guess I forgot.
Jose: Well I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
*Jose closes box of donuts*
Troy: You're serious?
*Troy leaves canteen, deflated*
SEASON 4, EPISODE 18: GOODBYE, TROY - PART ONE
Jose Mourinho is planning to hold a gigantic going away party for his least favourite colleague, Troy Parrott. He wants to pull off all the stops, including bringing in an anti-gravity machine to the office party.
Jose is so happy that Troy is out the door, that he’s purchased him a gift. It is a rock, with the words “suck on this” taped to it.
Jose is buzzing.
“I have very much been looking forward to this moment, very, very much,” he says.
“I have been steeped in anticipation. Troy has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ and I am now his cruise director and my name is Captain Bruisin’.”
SEASON 4, EPISODE 18: GOODBYE, TROY - PART TWO
Jose, gleefully speaking to the whole office: “the real reason we are here is to say goodbye to a guy we will probably never ever see again!”
*Jose breaks into song, to the melody of Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp*
Jose, singing: “Goodbye Troy, it’s been nice, hope you find your paradise. Troy! Troy! Troy! Troy is going away! See ya! See ya!”
SEASON 5, EPISODE 9: FRAME TROY - PART ONE
Jose is upset when he learns that Troy is back, and goes to Daniel Levy to request Troy is once again removed from the club.
Levy states his surprise that Jose has not noticed Troy’s return for over a week and tells Mourinho he cannot remove Troy without cause. Jose’s reply (“I have cause, it's beCAUSE I hate him”) does not wash.
SEASON 5, EPISODE 9: FRAME TROY - PART TWO
*Troy and Jose meet for the first time since Troy’s return*
Troy: Hi Jos-
Jose: NNOOOOOOO GOD. NOOOO GOD PLEASE NO. NOOOOO. NOOOOO. NNNNOOOOOOOOOO.
Season 2, Episode 22 - Casino Night
Jose, to Troy: Why are you the way that you are? Every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
Season 4, Episode 18 - Goodbye, Troy
HR worker: What did you do to him?
Jose: No, he tortured me with his awfulness.
Season 1, Episode 2 - Diversity Day
Jose, to Troy: This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
Season 4, Episode 18 - Goodbye, Troy
Jose, to Troy: Can I just say, of all the idiots in all the idiot in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone my friend.
Season 6, Episode 8 - Koi Pond
Jose, to Troy: Who let the lemonhead into the room? You are a waste of life and you should give up... Is what I want to say but I won’t, because that is why we are doing this right now. Troy, you are very welcome to sensitivity training for real.
Season 7, Episode 2 - Counselling
Jose, to Troy: You are the worst, I hate looking at your face, I want to smash it.
Season 5, Episode 8 - Frame Troy
Jose: I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Troy and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside.
For anyone looking for a spoiler on how this all ends, the US Office tells us that Jose Mourinho will be gone before Troy Parrott leaves the club. Parrott enjoys freedom from the verbal jibes after Jose’s departure, but his existence is not quite the same.
Like most great rivalries, there is a symbiotic nature to Troy vs. Jose. They hate one another, but need one another.
Troy eventually leaves the club and returns in the final season to tell us that life is less fulfilling post-Tottenham Hotspur.