Like watching a collection of celebrities singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’, Dream Team has arrived at the point where you cannot look away from the 100-car pile-up unfolding before your eyes.
As the true reality of social distancing begins to set in, the true reality of what I have chosen to binge-watch has also started to hit home.
I had heard about the way people get killed off in this show, but no one can truly prepare you for your first Dream Team death. You can never, ever master the skills required to deal with something so outlandish or so brazen as a Dream Team death.
The writers are akin to George R. R. Martin in their ruthlessness, bringing a character close to the viewer before they spontaneously combust into thin air. 30 episodes into season one, and it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that Harchester United club chairman Michael Jacobs has died in suitably-absurd fashion.
The drama has been off the charts in recent episodes.
The main takeaway is that Dean Hocknell has finally got his comeuppance. After sleeping with Georgina behind Lucy Patcham’s back, Lucy has ended their engagement. She has moved out of their house and Dean is very much on his own again.
To make matters worse, Georgina’s dad, Michael Jacobs, has caught wind of this whole affair due to the fact that a sex tape exists of his daughter and Dean getting down in the boardroom of the football club. As chairman, Michael Jacobs makes it his mission to ensure life at Harchester is an everyday misery for Dean. He tells him he will see out his five-year contract in the reserves. A ruthless response.
He is also hugely unhappy with his daughter. To teach her a lesson, does he:
A. Cut off her pocket money
B. Ground her
C. Sleep with Lucy Patcham - wait, what?
Yep, that’s right. To teach his daughter a lesson, Michael Jacobs decided to sleep with the ex-fiancée of the boy his daughter was sleeping with. That, right there, is a Hall of Fame parenting moment.
Heartbreakingly, it is one of the last things Jacobs ever does. After getting over-eager and joining in with a training session at the club shortly thereafter, Jacobs suffers a heart-attack and dies. Just like that. We barely had time to say goodbye. It feels like we barely knew one another.
It is becoming increasingly clear that Dream Team is Eastenders on crack. So, when Jacobs’ funeral rolls around, you know something outrageous is probably going to happen. And, boy, does it deliver.
Georgina - unaware that Lucy had slept with her now-dead dad - is tipped off about this latest scandal. A truly spectacular brawl breaks out between Georgina and Lucy. It is like Mankind vs the Undertaker in Hell in a Cell, except Hell is Harchester and the Cell is a binge-watching session of this TV show.
As Georgina hits the deck, Dean makes one last revelation:
“Stop it all of ya! She’s pregnant,” he shouts (yes, it is his child).
The very last thing our world needed right now is for people in Dream Team to start reproducing.
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